The Sacred Sisterhood

First off, I need to be clear that SISTER, to me is a powerful word. Almost as, maybe even more, powerful than MOTHER. 

My own two sisters set a high, high bar for what a sister is. They each, in their own way, really helped form me; contributed to the person I would become.  My sisters probably gave me the majority of the mothering I received in my life.

That's not knocking my mom, she had her hands full with 5 kids and her own set of problems, and the "biggie" kids parenting the "littles" was the status quo in our day.  

But my sisters gave me lots. My oldest sister Karen was always looking out for our well being and was serious, practical, grounded, and always did the right thing. Except when she was being wild and playing crazy, silly pranks. She is someone you can count on. To do what's right, to be true to herself, to speak her truth, even if it's unpopular. She knows how to be quiet and still and sit with herself. Good lessons. 

My second sister, Sue (Sisu) is brave and adventuresome and ready for anything. She follows her bliss, 100%. I'm

pretty sure that no one in my family would have ever dared to do anything, go anywhere, if not for Sisu. She led the way and set the tone for fun with her ready laugh. She finds the humor in EVERYthing. 

Having sisters opens up the possibility to let more "sisters" into your life. The print is there; you crave sisterhood with those other special women whom your heart and soul recognize and resonate with.

On my recent trip to CA to visit Sisu, I got to share time with her and her "sister friends ". We hiked and cooked and drank wine. We stayed in a primitive wilderness cabin. We went sailing and hot tubbing and talked and laughed and sometimes almost cried. We read books. We talked about books. And family. And men. And mental illness. And dreams. We went deep. We were silly. Those sisters of my sister took me in with open arms. And I am a better person because of it.

So here's to all my sisters and "sister friends". You know who you are.  Thanks for helping me become the woman I am today. I love y'all! 

Knee Jerk reactions

OK.  Let's start this entry with a very obvious admission:  I am CLEARLY addicted and obsessive when it comes to my iPhone.   Ridiculously so.  And I DO NOT EVEN care.  Even when people point it out to me.  Even when I realize I am blocking opportunities for actual human connection.  DON'T CARE.  Love that thing.  Always have, probably always will.
So this morning, when I was doing dishes, with my iPhone conveniently charging beside me, you must acknowledge the depth of my despair when I dropped a cup on my phone, shattering the screen.
My stomach dropped.  I froze, staring.  And then, what was the first response?  I had an immediate, overpowering, severe craving for sugar.  It flooded over and through with the strength of a tidal wave, nearly knocking me to my knees.  "Feed me," it wailed.  "Ice cream, cookies, chocolate!  I need! I need!"
I stopped myself to observe this very interesting phenomenon. Sugar is my go-to panic/hurt/loss/ sadness salve. But today I observed it like a scientist. Then I thought, "I'll go blog instead of searching for cookie salve." And so here I am.
And this is what I think:  Every day and in every life we have little and big disappointments and losses.
My youngest daughter Hanna (19) was supposed to fly out of Chicago today to New York City for a very exciting internship working with a famous fashion photographer, but there is a major snowstorm on the East Coast and her flight was canceled, at least until Sunday.  At 19 she has not yet learned that these little setbacks are part of life and she is devastated. I also wonder if she reaches for cookies to soothe, or if it is something else for her.  Because everybody reaches for something.
In this new year, I want to reach for my voice, for words to express my feelings.  I want to reach for my strongest, better self.  I want cookies to be, well COOKIES, and not an attempt to stop myself from feeling.
Bring it on.  I can take it. I resolve to feel.  I may still eat cookies, but it will be because I want to.  Not to stop the pain.
And maybe sometime, I'll face my iPhone issues too.  But not today.

Hiking, committing to a running streak, and other random thoughts

The second day of 2014 was also a very, very good day!  I am still in Santa Cruz, CA visiting my sister Sue (AKA Sisu), and enjoying the last few days of a long stretch of freedom. I have been unemployed (and collecting unemployment) since March of 2013, but I return home to Texas on 1/6 and start back to work on the following day.  We shall see how THAT all goes!

If I had to chose a word to characterize the theme of 2013, I would have to say it was EXPLORING.  For 2014, it will be NESTING.  Because getting this job offers me the opportunity to solidify and formalize my move to Texas.  I want to make it my HOME. Not just a place where I play and explore, but a place where I have a home of my own, and roots.

Today I made a decision that I was going to commit to running every day in 2014, at least one mile.  When I first started running, in 2012, I ran every day, and I did the best on that schedule. I felt better, and I really felt like a runner.  So I'm going back to that place.
This morning I ran two miles along West Cliff by the ocean.  It was a beautiful morning and my heart was singing.  I slept 12(!) straight hours last night.  I was rested and happy.

Then this evening Sisu and I went for a sunset hike at Wilder again.  What a beautiful trail and what perfect weather.  We had hiked the same trail with the dogs a few days ago, and I saw my very first mountain lion!  That was really a thrill for me!  This year I saw my first moose in Alaska and my first mountain lion in CA. In soooo many ways, this was also a year of firsts.  No wildlife sightings this evening though.  Just perfect golden light.  I'll take it with no complaints.  I have always had a weakness for the golden hour.

Tomorrow we are heading to a wilderness cabin with Sisu's friends, Anne and Margaret, so I won't have signal to post. We will do some hiking and some wine drinkin' and other silly stuff.
I'll blog more when I get back.  Until then--  look for the golden light!

2014 I love you!

Wednesday, 01 January 2014

2014!!! Started off with a bang! Sisu and I went on the most beautiful morning run, along the ocean bluffs through Wilder State Park. We were planning on 7 miles, but the air, and the views! and our lungs and our legs all felt soooo good that we kept going for 9.5, making it Sisu's longest run EVER! As I was running, I was thinking about my daughter Maija, who was at that moment back in MN running the Polar Dash in 7 below weather. I was wishing her luck and hoping it would be as life changing an experience for her, as running the Polar Dash in 2012 had been for me. And I was thinking about how I always feel like hell the first mile of any run, like crap the second, but after the fifth I feel like my body settles into running like it was something it was born to do and I feel like I could run forever. I was thinking about how in running, as in life, it really helps to hold your head up, let your focus be up ahead on the road a piece and SMILE! Suddenly things go smoother. It was fun to run by hikers on the trail and say "Happy New Year!" Because running, for me, really has been all about happiness. And sharing that happiness with others. Running gave me the courage to change things in my life that really needed changing. It inspired a belief in myself and my own abilities. It made me look for the good in others and be more understanding about the differences. Running is my crack! LOL Later in the afternoon we went ocean sailing with our friends Mark and Margaret and Samantha. A beautiful, calm sunset sail with champagne toasts and great photo ops! And then when the sun went down and we were cold and shivery, we ended the night in the hot tub in Mark and Margaret's backyard. And suddenly I wasn't thinking at all. I was just melting! Welcome 2014! You have mighty big shoes to fill following in 2013's footsteps-- she was a VERY good year for me!! But I have a funny feeling that you and I are going to be very, very close friends too. SWAK!!!

"I'm gonna find my freedom/ Brother, you should too....

And if you don't do it now/You'll be one year older when you do."

From: 'Snowfall' by Reckless Kelly

I wanted so badly to be able to sit down in front of this blog page and quicky jot down a moving piece that would explain to anyone wondering why this Texas adventure is such a big deal to me.  It is something that has been brewing and growing in strength and richness for amost 4 decades.  It even passed down to my oldest daughter Maija.  She and I would sigh and talk about our "Two generations of Texas longing". 
The problem is, right now I am so focused on the present and the future, that I can't seem to get myself to look back and piece together the historical significance.  Maybe later I can do that.  
Right now just let me say this.  Between the packing and the hauling and the planning and the endings and the goodbyes; between the tears and the hugs and the letting go of everything, somewhere, deep inside my heart, there is something small and green, unfurling and turning towards the sun.  The Texas sun.  And I know that it is all good.

The Countdown....

I feel like I should be shouting from the rooftops.
"I'm leaving for TEXAS in only 11 days!!"
Leaving for Texas, leaving for GOOD!
To many people, that might not seem like a big deal.  To me, it is everything.
Let me explain....
I was 17.  I fell in love with Jerry Jeff Walker. Then Guy Clark. We were inseparable.
I took to wearing Western boots and a cowboy hat.  Peers crooked an eyebrow at me. This was nothing new.

"I don't know no other way
Got to live it day to day
if I die before my time
When I leave I'm leaving nothing behind
no,no, but tasting every single grape on the vine
I got a feeling
Something that I can't explain
It's like dancing naked
In that high Hill Country rain, alright
I ain't worried 'bout tomorrow, no
I'll get by best I can
Lovin' is my will to live
It makes me laugh
Want to sing and dance
Clap your hands, take a chance
come on and dance
I got a feeling
Something that I can't explain
It's like dancing naked
In that high Hill Country rain"
(From Hill Country Rain, by Jerry Jeff Walker)

I heard songs like THAT, and somehow I just KNEW that Texas was my place. When I finally got there, I found out I was right.  Texas, especially the Hill Country, took me in, embraced me, made me more ME than I was back home in Minnesota.  I loved the landscape, and the people and the swimming holes, so cold and blue and deep.  I loved the BBQ and the cowboys and the rolling miles. But most of all I loved the music.