OK. Let's start this entry with a very obvious admission: I am CLEARLY addicted and obsessive when it comes to my iPhone. Ridiculously so. And I DO NOT EVEN care. Even when people point it out to me. Even when I realize I am blocking opportunities for actual human connection. DON'T CARE. Love that thing. Always have, probably always will.
So this morning, when I was doing dishes, with my iPhone conveniently charging beside me, you must acknowledge the depth of my despair when I dropped a cup on my phone, shattering the screen.
My stomach dropped. I froze, staring. And then, what was the first response? I had an immediate, overpowering, severe craving for sugar. It flooded over and through with the strength of a tidal wave, nearly knocking me to my knees. "Feed me," it wailed. "Ice cream, cookies, chocolate! I need! I need!"
I stopped myself to observe this very interesting phenomenon. Sugar is my go-to panic/hurt/loss/ sadness salve. But today I observed it like a scientist. Then I thought, "I'll go blog instead of searching for cookie salve." And so here I am.
And this is what I think: Every day and in every life we have little and big disappointments and losses.
My youngest daughter Hanna (19) was supposed to fly out of Chicago today to New York City for a very exciting internship working with a famous fashion photographer, but there is a major snowstorm on the East Coast and her flight was canceled, at least until Sunday. At 19 she has not yet learned that these little setbacks are part of life and she is devastated. I also wonder if she reaches for cookies to soothe, or if it is something else for her. Because everybody reaches for something.
In this new year, I want to reach for my voice, for words to express my feelings. I want to reach for my strongest, better self. I want cookies to be, well COOKIES, and not an attempt to stop myself from feeling.
Bring it on. I can take it. I resolve to feel. I may still eat cookies, but it will be because I want to. Not to stop the pain.
And maybe sometime, I'll face my iPhone issues too. But not today.
1 comment:
We all turn to something. I curl up on the bed with my dog. She lovingly, uncomplainingly accepts it all. At least until it's time to go out and play. I am as addicted to her as I am to my technology. An issue I am also choosing not to address. At least, not today.
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