Happy Anniversary to ME!

Tonight it will be one year since I moved to Texas. I still throw open the door every morning and yell, "Helloooooo, Lover!"  to Texas. I still thank my lucky stars. I'm still filled with gratitude to the angels who helped me get here. And to the angels who helped me stay here. I'm still humbled by the strength of my love for this place. 

In 2013 the stars just seemed to align for me to do this thing I'd always wanted to do. Since I was 16, I've wanted to move to Texas. I fell in love with TX music and it kind of became my world. I was all Frye boots and cowboy hats.  Way before it was cool. But I was 16. And then I was married.  And then divorced and a single mom. And then remarried. And then double divorced and a single mom to 3. 

But I always told my family: "As soon as I am free of commitments, I'm moving to Texas."

Almost 40 years later, in 2013, the time was finally right. 

I quit my professional job, gave my condo back to ex #2, packed my youngest off to college in Chicago and invited friends over to take my "stuff"- they carted off TVs and furniture and I just smiled and waved.  

Goodwill got bags and bags of stuff.  

Nothing had ever felt more right.

Then I got on a plane to TX with 2 suitcases. 

This year was filled with magic and adventure and exploring and MUSIC! 

I listened to so much live music it made my soul fill up. I ate BBQ and swam in deep blue swimming holes and drank Shiner Bock.

I camped and hiked at Big Bend. I ran the loop trail at Enchanted Rock. I met the greatest, deepest people I have ever known.  I photographed musicians; the BEST musicians in the world, I listened to even more music. I took a few spins on old dancehall floors- even though I'm "no kinda dancer." I fell in love with watching the sun sink behind the live oaks. I ran through ditches deep in blue bonnets. I battled killer scorpions.

But underneath all the fun, I was growing, I was changing. The more I committed to living my dreams, whatever it took, the more I was loving me.  I started to understand that our dreams are there for a reason, they are not just random, even if it seems that way. The dreams we have exist to help us find our truest, deepest selves. I still don't know why this is true- but I am able to be more me here than anywhere else. Texas is where I belong. 

I'm still not sure what my purpose is here, but I know it will one day reveal itself to me. Until then, I'll love every second, every hill country raindrop, every chance meeting with a Texan who drawls, "Sixth generation, ma'am!" 

Oh, there are down sides, as with any life journey. I miss my family, grieve that I am not there to see my precious, breath-taking granddaughters grown up. I am sometimes struck down raw, hardly able to breathe, with the pain of missing them.

I wish I was there to help support my beautiful daughter as she works hard to parent them. Her competency astounds me, and yet, I long to be there by her side. I miss being able to be there for my mom, as she struggles with facing her end-of-life issues. I miss my sister, who believes in me, and my fine , fine friends who never really could understand my Texas longing. 

 

But if I wasn't here, I wouldn't be able to be the person I was meant to be. Because somewhere in this big, big, beautiful state, there are keys to my very existence. I can feel the truth of that deep in my bones. So I stay. And I plant my boot heels in the dirt. And I breathe it all in and say a little prayer.  And I flood with gratitude. And I believe.

I learned that there is a difference between "running away from" and "running towards". The universe supports growth and truth, it supports running towards your dreams. If you're running away from something, things are going to get messy. If you're thinking of running away, stop. Take a deep breath, and clean up as much of the mess as you can before you run. Because if you don't, you're going to carry the whole damn mess with you. Running towards, on the other hand, is about trust. It's about following your heart, the longings and pull of your one sweet, raw and beating heart, and trusting it to lead you to that place, that moment where you belong. 

My anniversary day was filled with love- for Texas, Texas music and the fine Texans I've had the pleasure to meet. It was filled with self love too-- a little pride in my brave adventuring. I ran 10 miles in the beautiful hill country rain today, and that was the best celebration I could have asked for. Because every step said, "this is my home." Every breath said, "You belong here." 

Happy Anniversary. Welcome home.