Queen of the Funky Workaround

Can't you just see that as a t-shirt slogan?

I can. Maybe with a jaunty little tilted, banged-up crown graphic. Maybe with bottle caps or gravel or something instead of jewels. You know, something that works, kinda, but isn't quite the real deal. Almost, close, kind of, maybe. Maybe if you squint and cock your head and look kind of sideways out of the corner of your eyes...

Sounds really fun and Junque gypsy-esque, right?  All shabby chic and creative. Yeah.

But I've been thinking about this lately.  Long and hard. 

About how I've always prided myself on being queen of the funky workaround. Being uber adaptable, accommodating, able to make anything work for me; no matter how odd, or weird or sub-standard. I guess a kid growing up in a economically stressed alcoholic family learns those skills. 

You get by. You deny your own needs.

You settle for whatever you can get.

You say, whisper fiercely, to yourself,

"It's ENOUGH, damn it."  

And after awhile, you learn to mean it. And after a LONG while, say 20,30,40 years, you are so firmly entrenched in that "just gettin' by" behavior, that somehow your self-worth has gotten all tangled up with it.

Meaning, if all you ever settle for is crumbs and leftovers and sub-standard, then that is all you think you're worth. 

Ouch. 

< Pause to do deep breathing>

Wow.  

If you're lucky, you find something, or meet someone or dig down deep and start to question that entrenched belief. 

For me, it was running.

I can't explain it; how it made such a difference.  I keep trying, but it's elusive.  All I can say is this:  Running made me fall in love with myself.  It made me feel I was special, precious, worth something, worth EVERYTHING. It made me think that a steady diet of crumbs and leftovers wasn't enough. 

Suddenly, I held my head up higher.  I stood up straighter. I looked people in the eye. I no longer said, "Oh that's ok, it's good enough."

I took a deep breath and said, "Here's what I'd like."  "What I need is..."  "My dream is..."

I still mess up.  I get involved in relationships with people who ask me to settle for too little. But it doesn't take so long, anymore, for me to recognize that trap and say "No thank you, that's not going to work for me."

So funky is OK; creative, different, weird, all fine. Just don't sell yourself short and say, like my own daughter did for years,

"I can't have nice things." 

YOU CAN HAVE NICE THINGS!!!

Don't settle for too little; ask for the WHOLE piece, or the whole damn pie, for that matter.  

All it takes is allowing yourself that dream. Breathe it in. Make it real. You really won't die of longing if you dream. You'll just open up a whole wide world of possibilities. That's good.

Sometimes it still makes me super sad, when I think of me as that little girl, or that young woman, who didn't know she could ask for more, who didn't dare to dream.  I give them both big psychic hugs. I whisper, fiercely, 

"The sky's the limit darling, dream BIG!"

And then I straighten my semi-funky crown, tie my running shoes and run off to chase my BIG dreams. 

They're out there. 

I'm coming.

Better late than never. 

Musings on relationships

I read this article on relationships (see below) and it got me thinking. Thinking about what makes-- and breaks--them. Thinking about what's acceptable and not. 

Pondering what it is that makes some people feel so right, and others so wrong, when on paper, or statistically or practically, one is no better than the other, or even much,
much worse.  

There's attraction and chemistry, that's one thing. And it's a hard one. Because it's either there or not. I don't trust chemical reactions. They scare me . Too explosive. But without a smattering of chemistry.... Well, you know. It's like "let's just be friends." 

I like relationships where I can feel a sense of comfort. I like a man who feels big and solid and lets me put my head on his shoulder and just rest for a minute. When I dream of my ideal relationship, I wish for both of us to allow each other to be "our soft place to land." 

A warm, comfortable place where we can be looked at with eyes of love, eyes that take us all in, even our faults and weaknesses, and know that we can be better, do better.  I'm not asking someone to accept unacceptable behavior from me, rather I hope for a man who inspires me to get better, not worse. I might be an incurable romantic, but I still believe that love heals.

What are the deal breakers? 

Personal attacks on the loved ones character.  Dishonesty. Addictions. Selfishness-not feeling that your partner's wants and needs are as important as your own. Inability to share your feelings. Or witness mine. 

It might be a short list but it's brutal. Those are tough things to do. And here's what I really think:

Being honest with YOURSELF is the toughest goal of all. 

We have a lifetime of experience in how to fool ourselves, fudge the truth, rationalize and justify. We are experts at convincing ourselves that "it's not that bad" or "it doesn't matter" or "it's not really like that."  But truth is truth, and in the end all of that excuse making is gonna bite us in the butt.

Today I'm vowing to stand still and listen to my gut. And respect every tiny whisper that comes from it. Because truth is truth.

And the truth will set you free.

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4673582

"The heart is a resilient little muscle." Woody Allen

Letting go. Saying goodbye. Not always easy. Sometimes really really difficult. 

Depends who it is, and what and why, right? 

I've always been on the "light attachment side," myself.  I've moved so frequently I never really got attached to places. Stuff, things hold little meaning to me. Was never especially sentimental.

I even found myself feeling kind of easy/breezy about how people came and went in my life, and, in particular regarding romance.  I prided myself on being the queen of the abrupt break-up.  Get while the going's good, and never, ever look back.  

After my second divorce, I came up with a self-deprecating little quip that went something like this,

"I suck at marriage. But I'm GREAT at divorce."  Funny? Maybe not so much.

At the time, I thought I was strong.  I thought I was tough. 

Now, so many years and so much independence later, I see things differently.  I've learned some things.

Being tough and breezy on the outside was just about being scared on the inside.  It was never letting anyone/thing get too close, because then I could stand to let them go when the time came. 

It was not trusting my heart to be strong enough, about not trusting myself to handle whatever came my way. 

This is what I know now:

Our hearts are amazing, powerful, resilient little beasts.  They are designed to be broken, even shattered and to come back full-throttle even stronger.  There is really no limit to the reach and depth of the human heart. 

I've learned that we can trust our hearts to take care of us- when they nudge us to open up and love, it's safe, it's an opportunity.  I didn't say easy, or painless, I said safe.  The truth is- the more soft and open and vulnerable we can be in our heart space, the stronger we are, the safer we are.  Sounds paradoxical, right?

But soft and open and pliable endures, while sharp and shiny and brittle splinters. We can stop worrying about being right or looking foolish and just offer the love we feel, without strings, as a gift. 

We can offer ourselves that love first, and really show up for ourselves in a deep, loving way. It means we hold our heads up high. We breathe deep into our soft, beating hearts. We stand behind ourselves and hold our own hand. We hold pure, utter belief in our own value. We don't mince words when it comes to telling the truth about who we are or what we need. 

And sometimes, that truth means we need to walk away. We let go with love.

We trust. We let the sadness and the tears happen. We watch our heart shift and pulse and change shape. 

And we keep breathing. And we realize how strong and soft we really are.

And there's the real lesson, the gift.

All turns at love enrich us. Our hearts will turn toward the sun and open like a giant hibiscus soon enough. They were born to bloom.

Braggin' on Women Who Run...

1) Women who run are BAD.ASS.  We have learned, by putting one foot in front of the other, over and over again, that limits we thought we had were all imaginary. As we challenged and stretched our physical capabilities, we learn how brave and competent we really are. 

And that learning generalizes to other areas. We think "Hey I just ran 10 miles before breakfast! Work stress? Bring it on!" You know that saying "If you want something done, give it to the busiest person you know"? Well I say- give it to a runner!

 I've known women who, once they were runners, suddenly started rehabbing homes. Or who climbed a mountain. Or started an amazing new business. Or learned to do their own car repairs. Personally, I was suddenly able to do public speaking without dying a thousand deaths. My serious blushing problem vanished. I found myself speaking up at work with clarity and confidence. 

It's like our brains switch from fear/self-doubt based to confidence/competence based. We say "OK, what else have I been lying to myself about, thinking I couldn't do?" And then we do it.

And we feel PROUD. And proud is beautiful.

2) Women who run learn about honesty. It's such a transparent process.

There is absolutely no place for pretense or posturing while running. It's you, the pavement under your feet, your lungs supplying steady oxygen to your heart and whatever dialogue you carry on in your head.  Your head can tell your body "I can't" but your heart and lungs will know it's a lie and try to prove you wrong, if you let them.  You learn to be straight and honest with yourself. And then you carry that cleanness out to your relationships with others. Because you've learned you CAN. And that it feels GOOD.

3) Women who run are physical creatures, comfortable in our own skin. It's not that we have great, lean "runners" bodies either, we come in all shapes and sizes. But as my daughter said, and I quote, "I learned to love my body for what it can DO, not how it looks." Boy do we develop a healthy respect for our strong, amazing, lovely bodies! And we get very, oh what's the word? Sensual, I guess, because we are so "in" our bodies. We like to run through wind and rain and snow and dark and blossom showers and early mornings. It wakes us up.  We are more alive than we were BWWR (Before We Were Runners). 

4) Women who run are a happy bunch. Yes it's the endorphins. Yup yup yup! Our "drug of choice." But it's also running out in the wind and the sun, loving the beautiful world we see so much more clearly now. It's the happiness that comes from granting ourselves the oh-so- precious gift of time for ourselves. Time for long runs or short, cross- training, and hanging with the running pals who support our crazy ways. Because giving yourself the gift of time says "I'm worth it". And what is happier than THAT?

5) Women who run make great friends.  Honestly, my running gal pals amaze me every day! They know how to support and encourage, they are bold and fun-loving. They laugh big, they live big. We have adventures together, and nurse injuries and heartbreaks and juggle responsibilities and give hugs and dry tears.  We try to share the love and the strength that running paved our lives with.

So if you're a woman who runs, we're already friends who haven't met yet.

 If you're a woman thinking about running, we welcome you. 

You are going to love us. 

You are going to love YOU. 

We already do.

A ReCap...Why I Love Texas

These were originally FaceBook posts that I made in the first few months I lived in Texas, but I'm reposting here to share just a tiny bit of my BIG Texas love.  I'm going to start this series up again....I had barely scratched the surface here!




Why I love Texas #1:
Today I was stopped by the sheriff while running down a country road to warn me of the horse loose on the road ahead. It caused quite a commotion!!

Why I love Texas #2:
I had been using a certain outhouse and was having trouble with the door blowing open because the latch had loosened up. I tried tightening it with a screwdriver to no avail. A cowboy came by and knew how to fix it in a jiffy- with a twig!

Why I love Texas #3:
Running in bluebonnets

Why I love Texas #4:
It's not a cup holder, it's a BEER holder!


Why I love Texas #5:
There's something special about small town life, a kind of easy grace that makes doing even mundane chores seem simple, even enjoyable. Case in point, today while driving I noticed a strange whining noise coming out from under my hood. New to town, I stopped by the garage where the guy had recently done a state safety inspection on my car, and he kindly referred me to a local mechanic nearby. I drove up and the mechanic quickly came out and took my car into the service bay. The owner welcomed us and told us local history, even gave us local theatre recommendations. 15 minutes and 20$ later we were on our way with a well running car.

Why I love Texas #6:
Today I took a nap on the bench on my deck. Wind and birdsong lullaby. My alarm was a hummingbird who apparently mistook my ear for a flower. Have I died and gone to heaven? Somebody pinch me, quick!

Why I LoveTexas #7:
Luckenbach!! The little town with a big heart.
I have always loved this place, since I first heard of it in my teens. A place where pickers gather under the live oak trees, the dancehall shakes and shines with unbelievable talent, and where EVERYbody is, not only SOMEBody, but a friend waiting to happen. 
I spent the majority of the weekend there for the 6th annual Thomas Michael Riley music fest, and I'm a better person for having done so. I'm happy to report that the legendary "Luckenbach state of mind" is alive and well and free for the taking. Do yourself a favor and get there!

Why I love Texas #8:
I hang my wash outside on the line. In the sun and the wind. They dry in like 5 minutes. And smell like... everything good and beloved and fresh rolled into one. Happy. It's the little things.

Why I love Texas #9:

COWBOYS!!! 'Nuff said!

Cowboys are tough and strong and can do anything and make it look easy. GOOD cowboys also have a soft underbelly. I have learned this through close observation and field research. LOL

Why I Love Texas #10:
Tonight, and let me remind you, it was a WEDNESDAY night, I went to Hondo's with friends to hear Michael Hearne and Kevin Higgins. This was great Texas music, real songwriters, real guitar players, outside under a starry sky, and FREE. We watched 2 little blonds, a little boy about 3 and his older sister about 5 as they danced, owning the floor, twirling, arms waving, free and joyful.
Texas music gets in your blood, and it's hard not to dance

Why I love Texas #11 
Running on a cool Texas morning, the ditches deep with a tangle of wildflowers, black angus yearlings who run along the fence line with you as if inspired, darting songbirds, black faced sheep. Life is good!


Why I love Texas #12:
Most of the traffic jams I encounter on my daily rounds are caused by a tractor. That is all.

Why I love Texas #13:
They have big boot tent sales here! I really really like boots.

Why I l love Texas #14:
The Highway Greeting. Folks here say "Howdy" when passing each other on the highway. Whether I'm walking, running or driving the red-dirt Subaru, I get the greeting. It's either a full-out-the-winder wave, the finger lift, or my personal favorite, the cowboy hat nod/chin tuck. Whichever way it goes, I feel like I've just been hugged. Goodbye Midwest stoicism!!

Why I love Texas #, oh, I don't know? 100,000,001?
Today I was out running in Fredericksburg. I started out when it was kinda drizzling, because I love running in the rain and I am NOT a hot weather runner. After I'd run about 3 miles the sun came out and the humidity was crippling and I was DYING. I ran up to the brand-spanking new Fredericksburg Town Pool, yet to open. I decided to see if there was anything posted about an opening date and walked to the entrance. There were some workmen there, who told me the opening date, (June 8, I believe). I said, "Wow I wish I could jump in there right now!" And THEY said, "Go right ahead! We need someone to test it out."
So I jumped right in and I swam in my running clothes, cooled off, and was able to continue my run in wet-conditioned comfort.
Only in Texas! Thanks, worker-guys, for being life savers today! I'm getting a season pass to that pool FYI.
Oh PS- Those guys even asked me if I wanted them to turn on the water slide for me. LOL

The Sacred Sisterhood

First off, I need to be clear that SISTER, to me is a powerful word. Almost as, maybe even more, powerful than MOTHER. 

My own two sisters set a high, high bar for what a sister is. They each, in their own way, really helped form me; contributed to the person I would become.  My sisters probably gave me the majority of the mothering I received in my life.

That's not knocking my mom, she had her hands full with 5 kids and her own set of problems, and the "biggie" kids parenting the "littles" was the status quo in our day.  

But my sisters gave me lots. My oldest sister Karen was always looking out for our well being and was serious, practical, grounded, and always did the right thing. Except when she was being wild and playing crazy, silly pranks. She is someone you can count on. To do what's right, to be true to herself, to speak her truth, even if it's unpopular. She knows how to be quiet and still and sit with herself. Good lessons. 

My second sister, Sue (Sisu) is brave and adventuresome and ready for anything. She follows her bliss, 100%. I'm

pretty sure that no one in my family would have ever dared to do anything, go anywhere, if not for Sisu. She led the way and set the tone for fun with her ready laugh. She finds the humor in EVERYthing. 

Having sisters opens up the possibility to let more "sisters" into your life. The print is there; you crave sisterhood with those other special women whom your heart and soul recognize and resonate with.

On my recent trip to CA to visit Sisu, I got to share time with her and her "sister friends ". We hiked and cooked and drank wine. We stayed in a primitive wilderness cabin. We went sailing and hot tubbing and talked and laughed and sometimes almost cried. We read books. We talked about books. And family. And men. And mental illness. And dreams. We went deep. We were silly. Those sisters of my sister took me in with open arms. And I am a better person because of it.

So here's to all my sisters and "sister friends". You know who you are.  Thanks for helping me become the woman I am today. I love y'all! 

Knee Jerk reactions

OK.  Let's start this entry with a very obvious admission:  I am CLEARLY addicted and obsessive when it comes to my iPhone.   Ridiculously so.  And I DO NOT EVEN care.  Even when people point it out to me.  Even when I realize I am blocking opportunities for actual human connection.  DON'T CARE.  Love that thing.  Always have, probably always will.
So this morning, when I was doing dishes, with my iPhone conveniently charging beside me, you must acknowledge the depth of my despair when I dropped a cup on my phone, shattering the screen.
My stomach dropped.  I froze, staring.  And then, what was the first response?  I had an immediate, overpowering, severe craving for sugar.  It flooded over and through with the strength of a tidal wave, nearly knocking me to my knees.  "Feed me," it wailed.  "Ice cream, cookies, chocolate!  I need! I need!"
I stopped myself to observe this very interesting phenomenon. Sugar is my go-to panic/hurt/loss/ sadness salve. But today I observed it like a scientist. Then I thought, "I'll go blog instead of searching for cookie salve." And so here I am.
And this is what I think:  Every day and in every life we have little and big disappointments and losses.
My youngest daughter Hanna (19) was supposed to fly out of Chicago today to New York City for a very exciting internship working with a famous fashion photographer, but there is a major snowstorm on the East Coast and her flight was canceled, at least until Sunday.  At 19 she has not yet learned that these little setbacks are part of life and she is devastated. I also wonder if she reaches for cookies to soothe, or if it is something else for her.  Because everybody reaches for something.
In this new year, I want to reach for my voice, for words to express my feelings.  I want to reach for my strongest, better self.  I want cookies to be, well COOKIES, and not an attempt to stop myself from feeling.
Bring it on.  I can take it. I resolve to feel.  I may still eat cookies, but it will be because I want to.  Not to stop the pain.
And maybe sometime, I'll face my iPhone issues too.  But not today.

Hiking, committing to a running streak, and other random thoughts

The second day of 2014 was also a very, very good day!  I am still in Santa Cruz, CA visiting my sister Sue (AKA Sisu), and enjoying the last few days of a long stretch of freedom. I have been unemployed (and collecting unemployment) since March of 2013, but I return home to Texas on 1/6 and start back to work on the following day.  We shall see how THAT all goes!

If I had to chose a word to characterize the theme of 2013, I would have to say it was EXPLORING.  For 2014, it will be NESTING.  Because getting this job offers me the opportunity to solidify and formalize my move to Texas.  I want to make it my HOME. Not just a place where I play and explore, but a place where I have a home of my own, and roots.

Today I made a decision that I was going to commit to running every day in 2014, at least one mile.  When I first started running, in 2012, I ran every day, and I did the best on that schedule. I felt better, and I really felt like a runner.  So I'm going back to that place.
This morning I ran two miles along West Cliff by the ocean.  It was a beautiful morning and my heart was singing.  I slept 12(!) straight hours last night.  I was rested and happy.

Then this evening Sisu and I went for a sunset hike at Wilder again.  What a beautiful trail and what perfect weather.  We had hiked the same trail with the dogs a few days ago, and I saw my very first mountain lion!  That was really a thrill for me!  This year I saw my first moose in Alaska and my first mountain lion in CA. In soooo many ways, this was also a year of firsts.  No wildlife sightings this evening though.  Just perfect golden light.  I'll take it with no complaints.  I have always had a weakness for the golden hour.

Tomorrow we are heading to a wilderness cabin with Sisu's friends, Anne and Margaret, so I won't have signal to post. We will do some hiking and some wine drinkin' and other silly stuff.
I'll blog more when I get back.  Until then--  look for the golden light!

2014 I love you!

Wednesday, 01 January 2014

2014!!! Started off with a bang! Sisu and I went on the most beautiful morning run, along the ocean bluffs through Wilder State Park. We were planning on 7 miles, but the air, and the views! and our lungs and our legs all felt soooo good that we kept going for 9.5, making it Sisu's longest run EVER! As I was running, I was thinking about my daughter Maija, who was at that moment back in MN running the Polar Dash in 7 below weather. I was wishing her luck and hoping it would be as life changing an experience for her, as running the Polar Dash in 2012 had been for me. And I was thinking about how I always feel like hell the first mile of any run, like crap the second, but after the fifth I feel like my body settles into running like it was something it was born to do and I feel like I could run forever. I was thinking about how in running, as in life, it really helps to hold your head up, let your focus be up ahead on the road a piece and SMILE! Suddenly things go smoother. It was fun to run by hikers on the trail and say "Happy New Year!" Because running, for me, really has been all about happiness. And sharing that happiness with others. Running gave me the courage to change things in my life that really needed changing. It inspired a belief in myself and my own abilities. It made me look for the good in others and be more understanding about the differences. Running is my crack! LOL Later in the afternoon we went ocean sailing with our friends Mark and Margaret and Samantha. A beautiful, calm sunset sail with champagne toasts and great photo ops! And then when the sun went down and we were cold and shivery, we ended the night in the hot tub in Mark and Margaret's backyard. And suddenly I wasn't thinking at all. I was just melting! Welcome 2014! You have mighty big shoes to fill following in 2013's footsteps-- she was a VERY good year for me!! But I have a funny feeling that you and I are going to be very, very close friends too. SWAK!!!